This is a public service announcement for all those struggling with orgasm out there...
If you have never climaxed in your life, you are not alone.
If you have trouble coming from penetrative or other forms of sex, it's important to know that there are millions of others who struggle with this too.
“Distress about orgasm is the second most common reason people seek treatment for sexual problems (after desire), occurring in about 5 to 15 percent of women. Around 12 percent of women have not had an orgasm, or are unsure whether they’ve had an orgasm, by age 28.”
I too have been part of the statistic of women distressed about orgasm, in fact, I didn't end up having one until I was 26 years old.
I had resigned myself to believing that maybe I just wasn't that "sexual", perhaps just one of those people that didn't really feel or experience those sorts of things....
It turns out this simply just wasn’t true.
I’m about to share the secret that has helped me experience more pleasure than I ever thought possible.
Here it is folks…. Drum roll please….
Let go of the goal of orgasm.
It may seem counter intuitive, but I assure you, this has been a game-changer for me and many other women I know and have worked with.
Most of what we have been taught about sex in the mainstream (thank you porn and Cosmopolitan) is that orgasm is the one goal to rule them all and if we aren’t reaching it, there is something desperately wrong with us.
What we haven’t been taught is that orgasm is actually impeded when we put all of our focus on it.
Like so many things we desire in life - often the harder we push and more pressure we place on succeeding, the more it begins to slip from our grasp, and we fall victim to frustration and discontent. We create a bucket of stress and resentment and we jump on in. Sexy? Quite the opposite. And once we're in that bucket it becomes increasingly difficult to get out....
Slow down, take a deep breath, and zoom out.
How can we be fully present to the pleasure that exists in every moment of love making with ourselves or another if we are focussed on the goal the whole time?
If we are in our heads the whole time thinking “I wonder when I’ll orgasm” or “this can’t be happening again” or “bloody hell what’s WRONG with me” then we aren’t actually there.
Science has shown that orgasm does not occur when you are in the judgemental, critical, future oriented, analytical part of your prefrontal cortex. The more you are in this over-thinking zone, the less you are able to be in the feeling, accessing the part of your nervous system where expansive, surrendered moments (and often orgasms) can occur.
Here’s how you can get out of that zone that can’t give you an orgasm and get into the territory that can:
- Set up a self pleasure space in your home. Think candles, sensual music, cuddly cushions, delicious smells, anything that helps you feel safe, warm and connected
- Start by lying down comfortably, closing the eyes, placing one hand on the heart and one hand on the belly. Feel what’s going on inside of your body. Breathe. Can you notice your heart? The gentle rise and fall of the chest? How does your belly feel? Tune into yourself.
- Begin to slowly touch yourself wherever feels nice / interesting / playful . As you touch yourself, feel the sensations as they are happening. Can you feel light tingles? Tickles? Rushes of warmth? Remain present with the sensations of your body. This starts to build a stronger mind-body connection. Cultivate the sensitivity of feeling over the desire to think or judge what is happening.
- Once you are in this state of feeling, you could start to introduce something stimulating to support you. Perhaps a sexy audio recording (Dipsea is my fave), some classy porn (Erica Lust is my fave) and/or some toys (Hello Lover is my fave obvs!). Building on top of a primed, relaxed nervous system helps with orgasm.
- And finally, have FUN! This is about the journey, not the destination. Instead of the goal of orgasm, maybe your refocused goal could be, “How much pleasure can I experience in every moment of this. How long can I draw it out for?”
My invitation to you is to get out of the habit of thinking about the future, and get into a state of feeling. Remember, when you're feeling, you are in the part of your nervous system where you can experience orgasm!
Wishing you the juiciest, most pleasure filled practice.
Stay safe, stay sexy,