Ok folks, I’m about to let you in on one of the best kept secrets of our time....
Communicating before sex is the gateway to experiencing more orgasmic pleasure than you could ever possibly imagine.
I know we have been taught that too much talking will ruin the mood, especially in the heat of the moment, but that could not be any further from the truth. Communication can be incredible foreplay (once you get the hang of it).
I'm about to share with you one of the tools that has transformed my sex life forever.
I know, it’s a mouthful. Just think of it like ‘BDSM’ with an ‘R’ at the beginning and an ‘A’ at the end. These teachings were passed down to me through the International School of Temple Arts and have been especially profound for me when relating in the realms of singledom.
Please note that this is a conversation you want to have just before you are intimate with someone. I wouldn’t just bust this out over the dinner table on a first date. Save it until things are getting a little spicy. Perhaps you have kissed already, the mood is building, and you’re feeling like you’d like to take things up a notch.
Begin by sitting or lying down with your lover. Check in with him/her/them: "Are you open to having a conversation around consent before we go any further?". If it's a yes from both parties then you can dive straight into it. Take turns at sharing the below:
R = Relationship Status
Are you single? Married? In an open relationship? Dating?
This one may seem really basic and silly to ask if you are already hanging out with someone, but it’s incredibly important for the following reason.
Imagine you were having a really lovely time with a special someone and you decided to take them home for a shag. The following week you are out with your friends and you see him/her/them being intimate with another human? How would you feel?
IF you had asked this question and they had said “yes I’m dating multiple people '' or “yes, I’m in an open relationship” then you would be far better prepared to handle this situation. You are empowered with a choice prior to bonking whether it’s of interest to you or not to date someone that is choosing to relate with multiple people.
IF you didn’t ask this question, this could cause a number of rampant stories to begin exploding through your brain. Anger towards this person could arise and / or horrible negative self worth spirals might begin to form, making you believe you aren’t enough. Save yourself the future drama - ask the question.
B = Boundaries
What areas are a no for you in this particular intimate interaction? For example, would you like to keep your clothes on? Are you open to penetration? If so, where?
Let me assure you, nothing is hotter than clear boundaries in the bedroom. It is the ultimate turn on when someone is looking after themselves, and being open to listening to your needs. It creates a safe container for both parties to play freely and openly without the fear of making the wrong move.
If you don’t know your boundaries:
- Feel into a sexual experience from the past where you’ve been left feeling shit, drained and generally a bit blah afterwards.
- Have there been moments where you’ve been totally over it but not told him/her/them to slow down or stop because you didn’t want to offend them?
- Moments where you have just put up with it?
- Is there an area of your body that actually feels weird and gross when touched in a certain way?
- Saying no and stopping when you feel like it’s becoming a chore or obligation is vital to the longevity of your sexual health & happiness.
D = Desires
What do you desire with this person? For example, do you want an intimate massage? Do you want to make love? Do you want to be fucked? Do you want to be tied up?
If you don’t know what you desire, I recommend exploring your own body through self pleasure. Start getting acquainted with that glorious body of yours. You are your best teacher. Play, explore, have fun!
It’s time to start taking responsibility for your own pleasure instead of being mute in the sheets and then blaming our lovers for not getting it right.
S = Sexual Health
If oral or penetrative sex is on the table: What's your sexual health status? When were you last tested? Partners since? Was protection used? Are you on any birth control?
This is often missed and is so important for all the obvious reasons. Finding out someone has withheld information around sexually transmitted disease AFTER being intimate is the ultimate turnOFF.
In this instance - knowledge is power - being open about sexual health gives both partners the choice prior to bonking whether it’s of interest or not based on the outcome of the conversation. There is no need to blame, tame or shame anyone.
M = Meaning
What does this particular interaction mean to you? Casual? Relationship? More personal?
This one may be the most vulnerable of all, as it’s kind of a make or break moment for a new intimate interaction.
If one of you wants a one night stand and the other is looking for more, you may just want to call it a day here and move on with your lives. Save yourself 6 months of beating around the bush with half assed communication and constant disappointment.
If however, your both wanting casual sex or you’re both open to exploring the potential of the connection, fabulous! Get your freak on.
A = Aftercare:
What do you need in terms of aftercare - eg. a follow up text, to be held, or breakfast together?
This one is incredibly important as very often we have high expectations of a lover, and when they are not met we can become resentful, sad or disheartened.
Imagine having sex with someone and waiting around for them to text you the following day. Unable to get anything done, anxious, feeling as if you have given your power away completely. If we simply ask for what we need, then we are able to create that safety for ourselves and dive into the experience even deeper.
Remember, asking for what you want / need when sharing your body with someone is not is not needy, it’s hot and it's powerful.
There is no right or wrong with this R.B.D.S.M.A. Start off with whatever feels comfortable and build on it! If it feels too intense to do it all at once, just start off by choosing one of the letters before your next intimate encounter. Make it your own. Have fun with it!
Wishing you all an incredibly hot Summer.
Stay safe, stay sexy,
Stacey O x
Stacey O'Gorman | Women’s Holistic Sexuality Mentor
Stacey is studying Holistic Sexuality full time whilst mentoring women around the world 1:1, and educating through workshops, talks and podcasts.